When there might not be a second date… and you actually wanted one!

March 26, 2018

When you’re single, dating can sometimes seem exhausting and filled with disappointment.

 

One of the most crushing of all the disappointments, however, is when you go on that really amazing first date with someone… but there doesn’t appear to be a second one on offer.

 

 

The dating landscape is tough! In an ideal world, I would meet a guy randomly as I’m reading my book in a coffee shop (I’m so romantic and cliche), however the world is not ideal and most of the men I meet, at least at the moment, come from the dating apps.

 

I don’t have an issue with the apps, they actually bring me into contact with a lot of people I may not have met, and it can be a great screening process. For me, this is where I start to think, will he get through the“has good chat” level.

 

I’m busy, I don’t have time to be texting back and forth all day for the sake of it but...

 

If a guy hooks me in quality conversation, I will pay attention.

 

Now, this happened to me last week and here was my first obstacle…

 

I become less invested in chatting to other guys. I also instantly focus on the one that caught my attention. I really need to work more on this (especially if I want to avoid the disappointment stick).

 

I need to keep remind myself that...

 

Talking/texting isn’t dating! It’s just screening

to decide if I want to pursue a date.

 

Anyhow, so the guy I connected with took control and planned an AWESOME first date. It was based around an activity, which I always think is a great way to have a first meeting.

 

There is less pressure and it has a time limit, so you’ve got an easy out if things are going poorly (I also like to tell the guy I have a date with that I have plans to meet friends later- a tip I got from one of my guy mates a few years back).

 

So the actual date, this was NOT going poorly at all. Our 'textual' banter translated effortlessly into our real life interactions.

 

Our conversation flowed as we discussed a range of topics and opinions (disagreeing on some things - bonus points for this guy not needing or seeking my validation… bonus points for me too, for the same reason).

 

He kissed me over drinks… a few times actually, and then he walked me home, kissing me again before he left. I went to bed with a giant smile on my face that night.

 

I thought to myself. - “What a great date that was… he’s definitely going through to a second date” 

 

From the fun we had on the night and from his positive behaviour towards me, it didn’t even occur to me that I may not have made it through HIS screening process.

 

The following days passed and there was minimal contact and certainly not the same level of banter as the previous week. My stomach sunk with the realisation that maybe a second date was not going to happen.

 

Being me, I replayed everything over and over in my head, trying to work out why this might be the case.

 

And then I remembered my #DateDifferently mindsets…

 

  1. Dating is about polarisation: It’s good to find out quickly whether a guy I'm dating is into me or not so I'm not wasting my time
     

  2. I’m not that special: Sometimes we're the rule and not the exception. A lot of women don’t get second dates
     

  3. I’m certainly not going to be everyone’s cup of tea: Maybe he was expecting me to be like the other girls he had dated. To fit into a particular demographic that is actually not my thing (party girl, olympic athlete, submissive, girl next door...)
     

  4. This isn’t a reflection on me as a person... it just is, what it is.
     

In the past, I have not pursued men for the exact same reason, so I can either stress about the “what if’s” and throw myself into an anxiety spiral or I can simply recognise that... “he’s just not that into me, and that’s okay”.

 

So, I’ve taken my lessons to the next level and will continue talking to multiple guys, remembering that there is big difference between my dating life and my love life and that...

 

Dating is nothing more than a screening process! 

 

Much love always, 

 

Nikki x


P.S - Reach out if you want chat more

nikki@thesocialcollective.com.au

 

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