What Does Confidence Mean? (Part 2 - Layers)

"There’s nothing more attractive than a confident woman!"

Or so they say!

This seems to be the go-to line for every dating guru out there.

"Be more confident, men love confident women, a confident woman is a high value woman."

Now, don't get me wrong it's not that I completely disagree with it, in fact, back when I was dating I very much bought in the guy version of that very statement.

"A confident man is an attractive man"

But here's the thing…

No one ever tells you what confidence is or how you can go about getting it.

What is confidence?

Is it something you have, is it something you say and do or is something you wake up with the morning after watching 5 hours of inspirational TED talks?

It's not a new concept and we've heard it all before:

  • confidence is competence

  • fake it till you make it

  • a confident woman is a high value woman

  • with great confidence come great responsibility (Ok, I made that up, but you get what I mean.)

It can be overwhelming, right?

It was for me, especially when I was dating and so I decided to try and simplify it.

Over the years, I came to realise that there was no single definition of confidence that was ever going to help me with my dating life.

Instead there was a mix of useful advice, from different people that I decided to distill in to two simple concepts.

One: Change The Way You Think About Yourself And Your Situation

Develop an unshakable certainty around your story, by spending time working on yourself, your mindset and your ability to own who you are.

Click here to watch Part 1 of our confidence VLOG on having a 'certainty around your story'.

Two: Confidence Comes In Layers.

When I first started coaching in the dating space, I was inspired by one of todays well known dating coaches, Matthew Hussey.

Matt, at the time (who like myself) had been working with men on improving their dating life, had a new and interesting take on confidence.

One that personally gave me knew perspective and one that has formed part of my own coaching and advice to this day.

Confidence comes in layers, three layers to be exact.

If you work on these three areas of your life you can really master your own confidence levels.

1. Your outer confidence

This is the stuff we read in magazines and self-help books, it’s the stuff we are familiar with and that we recognise as the 'saying and doing' side of confidence.

Have great posture, make good eye contact, speak with purpose, initiate touch, smile more, positively assert your opinion, lead the conversation and even maintain good body language.

This is your surface layer of confidence, it's what the world sees, you're not born with it. It's something you can very much learn, practice and build.

2. Your inner confidence

This is something you can’t fake and something that you won't ever regret working on.

Your inner confidence starts with you and focuses on building the high levels of self belief and self esteem - drivers I know you already have inside you.

This layer of confidence can grow every day.

You will no longer seek validation or approval from guys or worry about what other people think. You will own your own story and proudly being unapologetically you in every way.

This is your core layer of confidence and is fundamental to everything you do.

Working on this area of your life is the best form of self development and self love and (interestingly) has nothing to do with men and everything to do with you.

3. Your lifestyle

This is the layer of confidence that we all forget!

When it comes to dating, your lifestyle can be a huge contributing factor to the type of men you meet and how and where you meet them.

When you build a lifestyle you love, you won't hold back on anything.

It will give you the confidence you need to put yourself out there, meet new people and find more opportunities to connect with the type of men that are right for you.

Without even realising it, you will start to build the support network that complements your inner and outer confidence.

Ask yourself this question,

"What does my current lifestyle look like and does it help me to meet good quality men?"

If the answer is disheartening then take the time to do a lifestyle audit.

Do a full overhaul so that you can have a social life that serves your dating life and a dating life that serves your love life.

When it comes to confidence, I want you to remember this.

Confidence is bigger than what most people think, but it doesn’t have to be complicated or overwhelming. Just remember that it starts and ends with you and these three simple areas:

Your mindset. Your skill set. Your lifestyle.

Work on this and I promise you, confidence will never be an issue in dating again.

The quality of the men you meet will be a result of the person you are and lifestyle you choose to lead.

Hope this helps

Russy x


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