Ready, set, rela... no, break up!
So I was dating a guy for a couple of months and things were going swimmingly.
I continued to actively screen, providing this guy with opportunities to show that he was the right kind of guy for me.
And you know what?!?! He showed up!
His actions matched his words and his values appeared to align with mine.
“Finally!” I thought… “I like this guy! He might actually be the one I can move from my dating life to my love life”.
How exciting… and slightly terrifying at the same time.
What seemed to be out of the blue, the breaks were slammed on and he retreated, fast.
“He couldn’t handle a relationship right now” was his explanation, and I was crushed.
When someone you like, who seemingly likes you back (and even enjoys spending time with you), suddenly does a 180 and shuts everything down, you cannot help but take it personally.
Your emotions spiral out of control and keeping a positive mindset is a challenge.
We’re human, right? This is normal, right?
As I write this, it has been just over a week from the situation, and I am going to be honest, I still have moments of struggle.
My mind feels like it is in a state of tug-of-war and there are times where I fall into a place of self doubt, and then this is counteracted by my rational thoughts.
It is exhausting, yet, strangely helpful and therapeutic to share this experience with you, particularly for those going through the same roller-coaster of emotions.
Here's how I coped with this situation:
I sat in the hurt. It’s okay to be upset. Emotions are powerful and they linger until they are fully processed and resolved.
I cannot rush this process, and I have to remind myself that I don’t need to.
A classic example is the fact that I got asked out on a date. While it was certainly flattering, my instant mental response was “he’s not Mr. Red”, thus, I knew I was not in the right head space to be entertaining a date with anyone else right now.
I had to be “okay” with not knowing why. So much of my frustration comes from the fact that I do not understand what happened.
I sat across from, and on the phone with, friends, sobbing “I actively screened, I looked for the signs… WTF did I miss?”
The reality is, that I may never know why he decided to stop seeing me, and the reason, honestly, it won’t help my healing or my sense of closure.
So what do I do?
I repeatedly tell myself, this is his journey, and obsessing over the “why” isn’t going to change what is.
I did not contact him!... well, not right now! This was a challenge for me.
In my situation, there was a reason I could casually text him and this would be in line with my naturally supportive and caring nature.
But here’s the thing, as I was reminded by a friend, I have to be clear on why I am contacting him. If there is any hope attached to that contact then it will do more harm than good at this stage.
Wait for a few weeks until I am less emotionally invested, and if I still want to contact him then I can revisit this idea then. Besides, if he wants to contact me - he will.
I trusted in his screening process, as hard as that was. Screening is a very useful tool, and he was doing it too (even if subconsciously).
As challenging as it is, I need to place trust in him.
I know what you’re thinking… “I need to place trust in a guy who just crushed my heart?!?!?!” Well… yes! Something has triggered this response in him, and now he is not certain I am the right girl for him, so perhaps, I am not.
But one of the biggest learning curves so far in this journey is the realisation that, although it is true I went into this situation with my eyes open, I actively screened and deliberately gave opportunities for this guy to “show up”... when he did, I did get overly excited.
The truth is,
I invested too much too soon, emotionally speaking.
In the end, there is no one way to deal with this situation, and if you have experienced something similar, I would love to hear the coping mechanism you came up with.
That's me... on my mission to #DateDifferently.
P.S. I know dating can be hard and it can sometimes feel like its more of a mind f*ck then you actually signed up for.
If this is how you feel right now, the have a quick read of Russy's Dating Detox Guide.
It might help get your head in the game. Download it here.