I've been watching season 6 of Married at First Sight...
Before you roll your eyes at my naivety of thinking that this is actually
educational tv, read on...
Let me assure you that I do realise that it’s just another ‘cooking show’ that has no ‘cooking’, and is more about getting ratings through drama.
TAKE LESSONS FROM SMALL THINGS
For those of you know me, (and for those of you that don’t) I try to find a lesson in everything.
What caught my attention during the first two weddings, was that, the producers/ matchmakers overlooked characteristic preferences of the contestants and focussed on values.
VALUES TELL YOU MORE THAN CHARACTERISTICS
The first bride was almost chanting a mantra as she was walking down the aisle,
“I hope he’s tall, I hope he’s tall, I hope he’s tall”.
He turned around to look at her, and you know what, he wasn’t tall.
But he was grinning like a Cheshire Cat because he was enamoured by her beauty, had kind eyes, and held her space in front of their families.
She immediately stopped caring about his height and realised that in front of her was a good man, who was spontaneous, caring and easy going. (And she appreciated this, even though it wasn’t on the top of her list).
WE OFTEN DISCOUNT PEOPLE BASED ON UN-IMPORTANT THINGS
She would probably have swiped no on the dating apps or not even seen him in real life because he didn’t tick that ‘tall’ box.
Likewise the second bride on the show indicated that her type of guy was an ’alpha male’ with tatts. But she was paired with a cleanskin ’beta male’. Who seemed reserved and decent at “first sight”.
Characteristics are an easy thing to put on your list of must haves because they’re easily spottable in a photo or in a crowd. But they don’t tell you anything about the person.
WHO HE ACTUALLY IS CAN BE EASILY MASKED IN A PHOTO
His dark features won’t translate to him being present with you.
His height has no bearing on how well he’ll get on with your family.
His haircut won’t give any clues about how he’ll feel about you maintaining your independence.
HIS BEHAVIOUR WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW.
Instead of judging him based on his muscle: fat ratio, dress sense, or first date venue choice. A better way to tell if he is the right guy for you is by paying attention to his behaviour.
WE DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH LOOKS, WE FALL IN LOVE WITH VALUES.
His behaviour will speak louder than words.
His actions will sub-communicate his values. And at the end of the day, values are what we fall in love with.
We fall in love with people when they show up and do the right thing.
We fall in love with people who hold our space when we need it.
We fall in love with people who let us hold their space when they need it.
DATING IS A MEANS TO AN END
Dating opens the curtain to our bigger picture.
The bigger picture is the love of your life, the person you’re going to grow old with, the father of your children.
We are dating to screen out the people that are not a good long term match.
SCREEN FOR BEHAVIOURS
Looks won’t last long term, but values and behaviours can stand the test of time.
His behaviour will sub communicate his values and give you an idea about whether he’s going to be a good father and, a good life partner.
If you start to pay more attention to a guy's behaviour, you’ll get a fast insight into who he really is.
He might treat you like gold, but treat the bartender like sh!t.
He might be engaging, smart and funny, but then be looking for approval and validation from you every step of the way.
He might be physically attractive, but is possessive and doesn’t let you out of his sight.
YOU CAN’T TELL AT FIRST SIGHT/SWIPE
The moral of this long winded story is, if you’re looking for the wrong thing, you can’t be surprised when you get it.
MAKE SURE THE THINGS ON YOUR ‘WISH LIST’ WILL STAND THE TEST OF TIME.
When you are making your ‘wish list’ for the perfect man, do yourself a favour.
Put a line through anything that will fade with age. Tall, biceps, good teeth, can sing, nice shoes. (or at least make this a nice to have)
If I was writing a list with you, I’d recommend including these qualities...
Present, not easily distracted
Responsive, not reactive to people
Confident in who he is, doesn’t seek validation of others
Responsible, doesn’t look to blame others when things go wrong
Dependable, shows up when you need him most
Vulnerable, will put ego aside and let you hold his space
I know that at ‘first sight’, these are often harder to spot, it means you actually have to show up, interact and get to know people, but I promise you, finding your life partner is worth putting in the time and effort it takes to observe his behaviours.
Be cheeky, be charming, be social