When there might not be a second date… and you actually wanted one!
When you’re single, dating can sometimes seem exhausting and filled with disappointment. One of the most crushing of all the disappointments, however, is when you go on that really amazing first date with someone… but there doesn’t appear to be a second on offer.
The dating landscape is tough! In an ideal world, I would meet a guy randomly as I’m reading my book in a coffee shop (I’m so romantic… and cliche), but the world is not ideal and most of the men I meet, at least at the moment, come from the dating apps. I don’t have an issue with the apps - they bring me into contact with a lot of people I may not have met… and it can be a great screening process. For me, this is the “will they get through the “has good chat” level. I’m busy, I don’t have time to be texting back and forth all day for the sake of it… but if a guy hooks me in quality conversation, I will pay attention.
This happened to me last week. And here is my first obstacle… I become less invested in chatting to other guys. I instantly focus on the one that caught my attention. I really need to work on this (if I want to avoid the disappointment stick, that is). I need to remind myself that talking/texting isn’t dating… it’s screening to decide if I want to pursue a date.
Anyhow, this guy took control and planned an AWESOME first date. It was based around an activity, which I always think is a great way to have a first meeting- less pressure and it’s timed so you’ve got an easy out if things are going poorly (I also like to say I have plans to meet friends later- a tip I got from one of my guy mates a few years back).
This date was NOT going poorly at all. Our “textual” banter translated effortlessly into real life, our conversation flowed as we discussed a range of topics and opinions (disagreeing on some things- bonus points for this guy not needing my validation… bonus points for me too for the same reason). He kissed me over drinks… a few times, and then he walked me home, kissing me again before he left. I went to bed with a giant smile on my face thinking “what a great date that was… he’s definitely through to a second date”. From all his behaviour, it didn’t even occur to me that I may not have made it through his screening process.
And as the days passed with minimal contact and certainly not the same level of banter as the previous week, my stomach sunk with the realisation that maybe it’s just not going to happen. Being me, I replayed everything over in my head, trying to work out why this might be the case. And then I remembered…
Dating is about polarisation… I’m not fucking special and I’m certainly not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. This isn’t a reflection on me as a person- it just is what it is. I have not pursued men for the exact same reason so I can either stress about the “what if’s” and throw myself into an anxiety spiral or I can simply recognise that “he’s just not that into me and that’s okay”. Take my lessons and continue talking to multiple men.